blessings.

*flower vespers: an act of showing appreciation or to fix amends with someone through the art of exchanging flowers.
*real definiton: Major cry fest.


I've cried every time. But, this time, I've had all week to cry. My tear ducts had become a savannah. Nothing was left. So no tears for me. &that was actually a blessing. Because I had things to say.. &I could actually say them in a decent tone, no shaky breathless conversations that really didn't mean to much since you couldn't understand the person. It was strong, confident and ready to tell people what's up.. I had my flowers. Three to begin with.. and then I was about to go and begin my strong willed power session. Until I became bombarded. It seemed endless. One after the other. Appreciation after appreciation. These people beat me to it! I was the one that was going to go out and say all this nice stuff! They were all so sweet, so endearing, so genuine. Yet they all said the same thing,
 "I appreciate all that you've done" This year was a tough beginning for me. Because the people that I loved, that I felt comfortable with had all left.. I didn't hangout with my class to much, and I hardly hung out with any underclassmen. I was waiting for this year to be over with by the second day of school. It wasn't what I wanted, I questioned why God had to make things so difficult for me. Classes were tough, I had broken relationships, and my time had become torn in so many ways.. Time went on.. &I continued to struggle with who I was. What was my purpose? Then, after one senior vespers, it clicked, I was here to serve. In oder to be a successful leader, a Godly leader. I must serve others. To meet their needs. Then, I did just so.. I served in every way I could. Helping with homework, having a talk with all the freshmen girls about being a better person, doing everything in my power to make our senior class successful, listen to girl's hearts in the dorm, rebuilding the community center we have in downtown Phoenix, anything! Service, Service, Service.. If I had to define the year with one word, yeah.. it would be servitude. After doing good for others, good things began to happen to me. I rocked my classes, mended my broken relationships, and my time, although it was torn, was put into such good use <3
I had made a name for myself at Thunderbird. Not as so and so's girlfriend, or to be associated with a certain group of friends.. Flower vespers had shown me through all of these people that I had made a difference in not only their school experience, but in their lives. I motivated them. They looked up to me, inspired by me even.. I had been blessed. So blessed. To know that they appreciated all I've done. It just showed me that my service had been successful. That I had accomplished my goal as a servant for Christ. The one that almost made me cry.. I mean, it was close. Was Mr. Warren my principal. I really love this man. I mean really. He believed in the students, loved them, and for me at least, inspired them.
&for this man to come up to me.. not me coming up to him, and telling me that I had inspired him? ME. Yeah, I was touched. I had made a difference this year. &I'm so honored to have done so at Thunderbird. Because, I love my school. I really do. So, without another second to waste, I began to serve again! I went to the future of this school. All those individuals that had shown leadership because of my leadership.. I came up to all of them, and told them to be better then us. To top us. To make this school even better. Because they had the potential to be GREAT and that the expectation of greatness awaited them. Then, flower vespers was over. All over. &I knew. God had planned this to be just so.
I had a terrible week. He knew that. I cried. I hurt. and I cried some more. Then friday came and I had a great day at the lake with some of the greatest people I know. Even though I'n extremely sore. It was all worth it. My last day at the lake, and I learned how to wakeboard. Just for you Mr. Jewett <3 Great laughs and definitely great memories made. Then to top it off with this flower vespers? It turned out to be a great week after all.

(I never posted this, and I'm quite surprised I didn't. But better late then never)

please.

Can I please get some fresh air? I am struggling to reach the surface, but the world is just trying to drown me with it's unpleasant-ness. Look, I don't want this to be a called in press conference. Really, I'm not going to even discuss this within the comfort of my own mind.

I'm exhausted and can't comprehend how people "feel" how I feel. You really truly don't. I'm the only one who feels my emotions (unless you "feel" them after one big punch from me.. but that's different &not necessary) I'm talking to you, people that have made it a vow to get the "scoop".

Flattered by the attention really, I must admit that I do like my personal alone time away from everyone.
Just God and I. Me and God. I'd like to keep it like so. Because the chaos of this world can sometimes be loud, dreadful unwanted noise. Noise, noise, noise. I, personally do not like noise, nor do I like the noise coming from my own mind. I'm turning the channel, where's my K. Love? Tuning into God's channel is the ultimate playlist and it's by far, the best lyrical masterpiece out there.

I've settled for his voice in my ear to direct me and keep my emotions at bay.
Not you. Person who "feels". please stop pestering me. I am trying to breath here.

<3

hi, life.

I'm certain, absolutely certain that I should be panicing right about now.
As of June 4.. which, I actually think is June 5 now that I see the time..
I officially have no idea what I'm going to do when the school term starts.
"Hayde" My sister tells me, "Welcome to adulthood." Yipes.

I knew it was coming, I mean, I had a calendar on my wall for crying out loud.
The time came where my countdown reached zero, and for all those beautiful memories, good or bad..
I'm left with a piece of paper. Really, it's pretty small. And not only that, but I'm left with the realization that I have no clue what I'm doing with my life. Double Yipes.

I'm already having withdrawals. I mean the fact that I don't hear countless jokes about my fears, speech, or personality in general is just odd. It's been a challenge, this whole.. you know, starting your life over again kind of thing. I've doubt endlessly.. I mean, serious doubt here folks.

&what.. WHAT does God do? Shakes His glorious illuminated head of holiness at me.
I am such a pathetic Christian to have ever, EVER doubt Him.

I've stumbled upon hope my friends. Hope that He needed to shove in my face in order for me to stop doubting. &well, it turned out pretty successful. So what if this happened, and that this won't ever happen.. I needed to decide that I'm not the one in charge of my life, I mean, I can try.. But what's it worth trying for if you darn right know that your going to end up flat on your face. Yeah, I thought so.

So as of right now I currently..
-Don't have money, zip, nada, nothing.
-Although there are some decent ideas of school, nothing is at all finalized.
-Life, as I know it could change for me in a second.
-My little family is trying to overcome some big mountains.

Instead of doubt, I should give my burdens to the Lord. He's had if figured out way before hand. I don't know why on earth I would even try to mess with those plans. Praying, &keeping faith <3